Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
