I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
