Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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