Apparently you make a good broom.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
