Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
