He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
