It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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