i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
