my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
