I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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