I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
