You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize