We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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