why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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