Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
