Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
