I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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