Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
