His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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