There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
