I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
