I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
