My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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