i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
