I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
