All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize