I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
