She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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