At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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