There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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