Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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