my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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