My sheets look like a crime scene.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
