Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
