Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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