My liver just broke up with me...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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