after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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