I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
