He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
