my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
