I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
