Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
