I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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