Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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