I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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