we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
