the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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