i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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