Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
