i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
