Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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