Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
