Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
