Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
