When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
