as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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