And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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