i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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