Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
