I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to sanitize my soul.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
