not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
