He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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