One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
