I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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